Which Way is the Right Way? Arrows please...

I've definitely been perpetually sad. and perpetually conflicted.

I'm sure during my last post I complained about not being able to find a job, and how unhappy I was with that. Well in a way, that has changed, but not completely either. For awhile it had been apply, apply, apply followed by no response, no response, no response. A month or so ago however, I got calls from the YMCA, from D&W Caledonia and AmeriCorps. Since then I've got a call from National Heritage Academies as well. The thing is, I have all these interviews, you think that would make me happy but I'm still dissatisfied. I keep telling myself that I need to get out of here, get out of Michigan, but that's rather difficult when you can't find a job ANYWHERE. I didn't get the position at the YMCA (which was some sort of Membership Associate) and was offered a PIC position at the D&W in Caledonia (which I turned down because it conflicted with a show I wanted to do and wasn't nearly as flexible as my current position). I do want a better job, but I needed experience in a nonprofit so that I could actually get a REAL job. All my work experience is in customer service and what nonprofit is going to hire me if that is the case? This all led me to the AmeriCorps because 1) it would get me out of Michigan, 2) it would look good on a resume and give me GREAT experience. A couple days after I put in my application for an AmeriCorps program in California, I heard back saying they wanted me to answer a few questions regarding the position, why I was interested, my experience, etc. I did this excitedly and sent it right away. I could move to California and work with a nonprofit organization focused on young adults, was there really a question? Turns out there was and is, because I can not make a decision to save my life.

(We'll come back to this part of the story in a second).

Then this past weekend, I auditioned for RENT at Grand Valley, a show I could only dream of being involved with. I felt confident about my audition, was called back for Mark, and did not get cast. It hit me hard, harder than it probably should have, but I will not deny how badly I wanted to be a part of the show as this character. I can't really describe specifically how much I have in common with Mark, but there is was a connection there. As someone who loves to perform, I have always dreamed of being a part of a show that meant something; a show thats message was clear, strong and unavoidable. I have a passion for this show and I think it was just a lot of buildup for a lot of let down. The experience of auditioning was something I can take away: learning the dance to La Vie Boheme, singing Seasons of Love with a big group and singing Halloween by myself for the director. I always try to tell myself that if it's not meant to happen then it won't, and obviously it wasn't meant to happen (if only that made it easier). All sort of thoughts went through my head after finding out about not being cast varying from "you're meant for community theatre" to "if you can't get in this, what's gonna happen when it comes to something professional". It was all negative. No congratulating myself for making it to callbacks, just NEGATIVE. I have since realized this wasn't my time to be involved in the show. Thank God for Ellen who told me "There are a few things I'm sure about and one is that you will play Mark in RENT someday." The other one was that Scott and I would be on Saturday Night Live someday; which lets not even go there because I don't think America could handle two seconds of the hot mess that is us. I predict there will be a lot of carpet cleaner rentals following our appearances on the show (take that how you will).

These two things came together at the same time, this past weekend. After the RENT audition, I told myself I need to get better, I need to work on my singing, my acting, I need to act and sing more. But this totally conflicted with my dreams of doing AmeriCorps. While with AmeriCorps, I couldn't act. My time was to be devoted to the job at hand, which I totally can respect. But what happens if I leave and there was a show that could've given me an amazing chance to gain both experience, opportunity and respect? With my lack of training and professional experience, I'm already a step behind, I had to wonder to myself: would taking the time to do AmeriCorps push me back even further? I haven't had near the experience I would've liked to have had acting or singing yet, so what do I do? It's hard getting yourself out there and performing when so much of your success as a performer is in other people's hands. You can't perform unless someone casts you or says you can. It almost makes me want to pave my own way to be a comedian or something.

If you know me well enough, you know I have two dreams. One is to start an after school program (free of charge to attend) for the arts for children in an inner city area. The other is to be able to entertain people for a living. Unfortunately right now, these two seem to be mutually exclusive (much to my constant dismay). I need to become a better actor if I want to make anything of myself as a performer, but I also need to pursue the nonprofit administration aspect as well. Right now I can not do both at the same time, and even though I just said that, I don't want to accept it. I want a way to make it happen, I want a way to do both, but I think I have to relinquish one to make the other happen first. I need more experience in both to move forward in any way.

That is where I am at right now.

I am aware this post was scattered, it will always be that way. I'll be writing soon about how I've been feeling emotionally lately, but for now that is it. Please feel free to comment with advice, feedback, reactions, or whatever it might be. Hell the fact that you even read all this is borderline amazing already.