A sort of explanation

There comes a point in your life where you realize that you're never going to survive life unless you change your outlook.

I've been on medication for depression and anxiety since I had a spell with it in 2007. I wouldn't exactly say that things have been fine since then, because they haven't been exactly that. It's been awhile since I've felt what I would call fine. I'm not depressed by any means, just numbed by my medication. I tried to pinpoint the time when things changed from alright, to me not even being here. I was happy and content during when I did You're A Good Man Charlie Brown, wanting to hang out with people and being present, in the moment and enjoying what I was doing. A couple days ago, that seemed so far off. Why and when did things change, what set it off? I figured in my own head that it was after graduation, but a close friend of mine said I seemed different even following last summer. I wasn't there. I mean I was physically there, but mentally and emotionally something was wrong. It was almost as if I turned on auto-pilot or something. I felt distant, disconnected, bored, distracted, not able to concentrate, struggling to remember even the simplest things. There was this sort of mental block that was preventing me from enjoying anything or feeling anything. I'd be with my friends and I wouldn't be myself.

Since after I graduated I asked to be put on the sub-list at the Y, I wasn't working very much. I would sleep too much, stay in bed way longer than I should've and just be lazy in general. I had convinced myself that that was the reason I was feeling this way. But things have changed, I'm working at D&W again and have an internship with the Grand Rapids Symphony (both things which I should be enjoying, but instead I'm kind of just floating through). I was patient, thinking it was just a phase. Something in my brain, my heart, whatever, was telling me this wasn't a phase. I kept telling myself to just think my way out of it and that things would improve and they really didn't.

The straw that broke the camel's back happened a few days ago when I cast as Joseph in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat", something I literally only dreamed would happen. When Scott called me and offered me the part I was extremely happy but found myself unable to be excited in the way I wanted to be. It wasn't that anything was worrying me, it was that I just wasn't able to feel the way I wanted to feel and that made me incredibly sad. To want to feel and express how I felt better, and not be able to, it just made me worried. I told myself, I can not feel like this anymore. I thought, my God, I wouldn't feel the same happiness I do when I was performing, I wouldn't enjoy it as much. Shouldn't this be an experience of my dreams? It becomes more and more obvious everyday that nothing worthwhile is ever handed to you and this was something I realized with Joseph. Not only was I going to have to stretch myself in an acting and singing sense, I was going to make this experience the experience I wanted it to be.

So I went to my doctor (minus medical insurance) to figure out what was going on. He said that the feelings I had can happen with the meds I was taking. We decided to ween myself off of the current drug and then try a new one. The more I think about it however, the more I panic worrying that the same thing will happen with the next drug. I'm also unsure as to whether or not I'd do okay off of the pills completely because I've been on them for awhile now. I'm hopeful about whatever may happen. I just want this experience and the experience of life to be the best it can possibly be.

I just want to feel okay and I know I'm on my way there, sometimes it's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

People say "live each day as if it were your last" and I realized today that I have never lived by that mantra, and I need to start now. It's easier said than done with how I've been feeling lately, but I know only good things will come of it. I don't want to have regrets about friendships, family, jobs, etc.

Sorry this entry is so scatter-brained, but I thought it might do some good to type it out. Feel free to comment if you can relate, or if you have something to say. I really appreciate it.