An optimist in a pessimist's body

I'm trying to stay positive and it really shouldn't be this hard. I've been looking for a job for awhile now and almost nothing I've come across interests me in any way. I know that right now there is a huge chance that I'm going to have to do something that isn't the most fun for the time being. Like tomorrow I have an interview at an advertising place, which wasn't my major but I'm still going to give it a chance because it is at least something. Something in me wants to be unattached so I can just leave whenever I felt like it and just go somewhere else, somewhere where maybe I could do a lot more and be a lot happier. My degree is in nonprofit administration and those are the kind of positions I've been pursuing, with little success. I refuse to give up on the idea that there is a place for me out there. However, I really can't locate that place in my mind.

I keep getting called back to theater. I feel so at home on the stage and because of the chances I've been given lately I have been able to see that more and more. But at the same time, I have these doubts. These huge, crippling, prominent doubts that keep me from doing anything about it. I've never had confidence in myself and theater was something that created that within myself. Now I'm doubting that same confidence theater instilled me with. I want to go to Second City and take classes. THAT is what I want. People keep asking me, "then what is keeping you from it?" I could say the answer is money, which let's face it, is a huge issue. But the big umbrella issue that all the other ones sit under is that confidence. There have been very few times when I have felt validated in my talent as an actor and THAT is probably what is largely holding me back. I don't know, maybe I'm like Christopher Walken or John C Reilly, someone who isn't always recognized for what they can do, but appreciated nonetheless. I can't imagine myself working at a desk all day doing paperwork, or holding a meeting. I want to make people smile, laugh, cry and feel.

I don't want to regret anything and right now I feel like at the rate I am going, I will regret a lot. I can blame the weather, I can blame my depression, I can blame my lack of success in finding a job; all of these things will not erase any regret I am going to have for a relationship lost, an opportunity lost and and a dream never explored. I need to stop lying around, sleeping in and taking advantage of my friendships. I need to get up, call up and go in person to the places I'm applying at. THIS is what I need to do.

I always start these posts telling myself there's going to be a theme or a general idea talked about, but that never ever happens. I guess that's just how my mind works.