I've definitely been perpetually sad. and perpetually conflicted.
I'm sure during my last post I complained about not being able to find a job, and how unhappy I was with that. Well in a way, that has changed, but not completely either. For awhile it had been apply, apply, apply followed by no response, no response, no response. A month or so ago however, I got calls from the YMCA, from D&W Caledonia and AmeriCorps. Since then I've got a call from National Heritage Academies as well. The thing is, I have all these interviews, you think that would make me happy but I'm still dissatisfied. I keep telling myself that I need to get out of here, get out of Michigan, but that's rather difficult when you can't find a job ANYWHERE. I didn't get the position at the YMCA (which was some sort of Membership Associate) and was offered a PIC position at the D&W in Caledonia (which I turned down because it conflicted with a show I wanted to do and wasn't nearly as flexible as my current position). I do want a better job, but I needed experience in a nonprofit so that I could actually get a REAL job. All my work experience is in customer service and what nonprofit is going to hire me if that is the case? This all led me to the AmeriCorps because 1) it would get me out of Michigan, 2) it would look good on a resume and give me GREAT experience. A couple days after I put in my application for an AmeriCorps program in California, I heard back saying they wanted me to answer a few questions regarding the position, why I was interested, my experience, etc. I did this excitedly and sent it right away. I could move to California and work with a nonprofit organization focused on young adults, was there really a question? Turns out there was and is, because I can not make a decision to save my life.
(We'll come back to this part of the story in a second).
Then this past weekend, I auditioned for RENT at Grand Valley, a show I could only dream of being involved with. I felt confident about my audition, was called back for Mark, and did not get cast. It hit me hard, harder than it probably should have, but I will not deny how badly I wanted to be a part of the show as this character. I can't really describe specifically how much I have in common with Mark, but there is was a connection there. As someone who loves to perform, I have always dreamed of being a part of a show that meant something; a show thats message was clear, strong and unavoidable. I have a passion for this show and I think it was just a lot of buildup for a lot of let down. The experience of auditioning was something I can take away: learning the dance to La Vie Boheme, singing Seasons of Love with a big group and singing Halloween by myself for the director. I always try to tell myself that if it's not meant to happen then it won't, and obviously it wasn't meant to happen (if only that made it easier). All sort of thoughts went through my head after finding out about not being cast varying from "you're meant for community theatre" to "if you can't get in this, what's gonna happen when it comes to something professional". It was all negative. No congratulating myself for making it to callbacks, just NEGATIVE. I have since realized this wasn't my time to be involved in the show. Thank God for Ellen who told me "There are a few things I'm sure about and one is that you will play Mark in RENT someday." The other one was that Scott and I would be on Saturday Night Live someday; which lets not even go there because I don't think America could handle two seconds of the hot mess that is us. I predict there will be a lot of carpet cleaner rentals following our appearances on the show (take that how you will).
These two things came together at the same time, this past weekend. After the RENT audition, I told myself I need to get better, I need to work on my singing, my acting, I need to act and sing more. But this totally conflicted with my dreams of doing AmeriCorps. While with AmeriCorps, I couldn't act. My time was to be devoted to the job at hand, which I totally can respect. But what happens if I leave and there was a show that could've given me an amazing chance to gain both experience, opportunity and respect? With my lack of training and professional experience, I'm already a step behind, I had to wonder to myself: would taking the time to do AmeriCorps push me back even further? I haven't had near the experience I would've liked to have had acting or singing yet, so what do I do? It's hard getting yourself out there and performing when so much of your success as a performer is in other people's hands. You can't perform unless someone casts you or says you can. It almost makes me want to pave my own way to be a comedian or something.
If you know me well enough, you know I have two dreams. One is to start an after school program (free of charge to attend) for the arts for children in an inner city area. The other is to be able to entertain people for a living. Unfortunately right now, these two seem to be mutually exclusive (much to my constant dismay). I need to become a better actor if I want to make anything of myself as a performer, but I also need to pursue the nonprofit administration aspect as well. Right now I can not do both at the same time, and even though I just said that, I don't want to accept it. I want a way to make it happen, I want a way to do both, but I think I have to relinquish one to make the other happen first. I need more experience in both to move forward in any way.
That is where I am at right now.
I am aware this post was scattered, it will always be that way. I'll be writing soon about how I've been feeling emotionally lately, but for now that is it. Please feel free to comment with advice, feedback, reactions, or whatever it might be. Hell the fact that you even read all this is borderline amazing already.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
A sort of explanation
There comes a point in your life where you realize that you're never going to survive life unless you change your outlook.
I've been on medication for depression and anxiety since I had a spell with it in 2007. I wouldn't exactly say that things have been fine since then, because they haven't been exactly that. It's been awhile since I've felt what I would call fine. I'm not depressed by any means, just numbed by my medication. I tried to pinpoint the time when things changed from alright, to me not even being here. I was happy and content during when I did You're A Good Man Charlie Brown, wanting to hang out with people and being present, in the moment and enjoying what I was doing. A couple days ago, that seemed so far off. Why and when did things change, what set it off? I figured in my own head that it was after graduation, but a close friend of mine said I seemed different even following last summer. I wasn't there. I mean I was physically there, but mentally and emotionally something was wrong. It was almost as if I turned on auto-pilot or something. I felt distant, disconnected, bored, distracted, not able to concentrate, struggling to remember even the simplest things. There was this sort of mental block that was preventing me from enjoying anything or feeling anything. I'd be with my friends and I wouldn't be myself.
Since after I graduated I asked to be put on the sub-list at the Y, I wasn't working very much. I would sleep too much, stay in bed way longer than I should've and just be lazy in general. I had convinced myself that that was the reason I was feeling this way. But things have changed, I'm working at D&W again and have an internship with the Grand Rapids Symphony (both things which I should be enjoying, but instead I'm kind of just floating through). I was patient, thinking it was just a phase. Something in my brain, my heart, whatever, was telling me this wasn't a phase. I kept telling myself to just think my way out of it and that things would improve and they really didn't.
The straw that broke the camel's back happened a few days ago when I cast as Joseph in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat", something I literally only dreamed would happen. When Scott called me and offered me the part I was extremely happy but found myself unable to be excited in the way I wanted to be. It wasn't that anything was worrying me, it was that I just wasn't able to feel the way I wanted to feel and that made me incredibly sad. To want to feel and express how I felt better, and not be able to, it just made me worried. I told myself, I can not feel like this anymore. I thought, my God, I wouldn't feel the same happiness I do when I was performing, I wouldn't enjoy it as much. Shouldn't this be an experience of my dreams? It becomes more and more obvious everyday that nothing worthwhile is ever handed to you and this was something I realized with Joseph. Not only was I going to have to stretch myself in an acting and singing sense, I was going to make this experience the experience I wanted it to be.
So I went to my doctor (minus medical insurance) to figure out what was going on. He said that the feelings I had can happen with the meds I was taking. We decided to ween myself off of the current drug and then try a new one. The more I think about it however, the more I panic worrying that the same thing will happen with the next drug. I'm also unsure as to whether or not I'd do okay off of the pills completely because I've been on them for awhile now. I'm hopeful about whatever may happen. I just want this experience and the experience of life to be the best it can possibly be.
I just want to feel okay and I know I'm on my way there, sometimes it's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
People say "live each day as if it were your last" and I realized today that I have never lived by that mantra, and I need to start now. It's easier said than done with how I've been feeling lately, but I know only good things will come of it. I don't want to have regrets about friendships, family, jobs, etc.
Sorry this entry is so scatter-brained, but I thought it might do some good to type it out. Feel free to comment if you can relate, or if you have something to say. I really appreciate it.
I've been on medication for depression and anxiety since I had a spell with it in 2007. I wouldn't exactly say that things have been fine since then, because they haven't been exactly that. It's been awhile since I've felt what I would call fine. I'm not depressed by any means, just numbed by my medication. I tried to pinpoint the time when things changed from alright, to me not even being here. I was happy and content during when I did You're A Good Man Charlie Brown, wanting to hang out with people and being present, in the moment and enjoying what I was doing. A couple days ago, that seemed so far off. Why and when did things change, what set it off? I figured in my own head that it was after graduation, but a close friend of mine said I seemed different even following last summer. I wasn't there. I mean I was physically there, but mentally and emotionally something was wrong. It was almost as if I turned on auto-pilot or something. I felt distant, disconnected, bored, distracted, not able to concentrate, struggling to remember even the simplest things. There was this sort of mental block that was preventing me from enjoying anything or feeling anything. I'd be with my friends and I wouldn't be myself.
Since after I graduated I asked to be put on the sub-list at the Y, I wasn't working very much. I would sleep too much, stay in bed way longer than I should've and just be lazy in general. I had convinced myself that that was the reason I was feeling this way. But things have changed, I'm working at D&W again and have an internship with the Grand Rapids Symphony (both things which I should be enjoying, but instead I'm kind of just floating through). I was patient, thinking it was just a phase. Something in my brain, my heart, whatever, was telling me this wasn't a phase. I kept telling myself to just think my way out of it and that things would improve and they really didn't.
The straw that broke the camel's back happened a few days ago when I cast as Joseph in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat", something I literally only dreamed would happen. When Scott called me and offered me the part I was extremely happy but found myself unable to be excited in the way I wanted to be. It wasn't that anything was worrying me, it was that I just wasn't able to feel the way I wanted to feel and that made me incredibly sad. To want to feel and express how I felt better, and not be able to, it just made me worried. I told myself, I can not feel like this anymore. I thought, my God, I wouldn't feel the same happiness I do when I was performing, I wouldn't enjoy it as much. Shouldn't this be an experience of my dreams? It becomes more and more obvious everyday that nothing worthwhile is ever handed to you and this was something I realized with Joseph. Not only was I going to have to stretch myself in an acting and singing sense, I was going to make this experience the experience I wanted it to be.
So I went to my doctor (minus medical insurance) to figure out what was going on. He said that the feelings I had can happen with the meds I was taking. We decided to ween myself off of the current drug and then try a new one. The more I think about it however, the more I panic worrying that the same thing will happen with the next drug. I'm also unsure as to whether or not I'd do okay off of the pills completely because I've been on them for awhile now. I'm hopeful about whatever may happen. I just want this experience and the experience of life to be the best it can possibly be.
I just want to feel okay and I know I'm on my way there, sometimes it's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
People say "live each day as if it were your last" and I realized today that I have never lived by that mantra, and I need to start now. It's easier said than done with how I've been feeling lately, but I know only good things will come of it. I don't want to have regrets about friendships, family, jobs, etc.
Sorry this entry is so scatter-brained, but I thought it might do some good to type it out. Feel free to comment if you can relate, or if you have something to say. I really appreciate it.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
An optimist in a pessimist's body
I'm trying to stay positive and it really shouldn't be this hard. I've been looking for a job for awhile now and almost nothing I've come across interests me in any way. I know that right now there is a huge chance that I'm going to have to do something that isn't the most fun for the time being. Like tomorrow I have an interview at an advertising place, which wasn't my major but I'm still going to give it a chance because it is at least something. Something in me wants to be unattached so I can just leave whenever I felt like it and just go somewhere else, somewhere where maybe I could do a lot more and be a lot happier. My degree is in nonprofit administration and those are the kind of positions I've been pursuing, with little success. I refuse to give up on the idea that there is a place for me out there. However, I really can't locate that place in my mind.
I keep getting called back to theater. I feel so at home on the stage and because of the chances I've been given lately I have been able to see that more and more. But at the same time, I have these doubts. These huge, crippling, prominent doubts that keep me from doing anything about it. I've never had confidence in myself and theater was something that created that within myself. Now I'm doubting that same confidence theater instilled me with. I want to go to Second City and take classes. THAT is what I want. People keep asking me, "then what is keeping you from it?" I could say the answer is money, which let's face it, is a huge issue. But the big umbrella issue that all the other ones sit under is that confidence. There have been very few times when I have felt validated in my talent as an actor and THAT is probably what is largely holding me back. I don't know, maybe I'm like Christopher Walken or John C Reilly, someone who isn't always recognized for what they can do, but appreciated nonetheless. I can't imagine myself working at a desk all day doing paperwork, or holding a meeting. I want to make people smile, laugh, cry and feel.
I don't want to regret anything and right now I feel like at the rate I am going, I will regret a lot. I can blame the weather, I can blame my depression, I can blame my lack of success in finding a job; all of these things will not erase any regret I am going to have for a relationship lost, an opportunity lost and and a dream never explored. I need to stop lying around, sleeping in and taking advantage of my friendships. I need to get up, call up and go in person to the places I'm applying at. THIS is what I need to do.
I always start these posts telling myself there's going to be a theme or a general idea talked about, but that never ever happens. I guess that's just how my mind works.
I keep getting called back to theater. I feel so at home on the stage and because of the chances I've been given lately I have been able to see that more and more. But at the same time, I have these doubts. These huge, crippling, prominent doubts that keep me from doing anything about it. I've never had confidence in myself and theater was something that created that within myself. Now I'm doubting that same confidence theater instilled me with. I want to go to Second City and take classes. THAT is what I want. People keep asking me, "then what is keeping you from it?" I could say the answer is money, which let's face it, is a huge issue. But the big umbrella issue that all the other ones sit under is that confidence. There have been very few times when I have felt validated in my talent as an actor and THAT is probably what is largely holding me back. I don't know, maybe I'm like Christopher Walken or John C Reilly, someone who isn't always recognized for what they can do, but appreciated nonetheless. I can't imagine myself working at a desk all day doing paperwork, or holding a meeting. I want to make people smile, laugh, cry and feel.
I don't want to regret anything and right now I feel like at the rate I am going, I will regret a lot. I can blame the weather, I can blame my depression, I can blame my lack of success in finding a job; all of these things will not erase any regret I am going to have for a relationship lost, an opportunity lost and and a dream never explored. I need to stop lying around, sleeping in and taking advantage of my friendships. I need to get up, call up and go in person to the places I'm applying at. THIS is what I need to do.
I always start these posts telling myself there's going to be a theme or a general idea talked about, but that never ever happens. I guess that's just how my mind works.
Monday, February 23, 2009
I Have A Dream...
So let's talk about the Oscars last night. I will start by saying I loved that Hugh Jackman hosted. His charisma and natural charm took us through the almost four hour show. His opening was both hysterical and reminded me of something that kind of made me sick about: promotion. Of course Jackman had to end by him saying "I'm Wolverine." I can't really fault Jackman for this, but I can't help but wonder if when Gone With the Wind was up for Best Picture, the host and other actors were plugging their newest movies. This is about celebrating the year in film that has happened, let these individuals and these films have their moment.
The first musical number was actually pretty hysterical and I LOVED when Anne Hathaway came onstage and joined Hugh (and held her own vocally and charismatically). The second musical number however was a complete and utter mess. I fully support and love the idea that the musical is back, but I'm pretty sure the display at the Oscars killed it for another ten years. Hugh, joined by the divalicious Beyonce, was more than game for the erratic, schizophrenic display of musical numbers from the past century but that didn't save it. I knew the shit had hit the fan when Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron came out (joined by the more legitimately talented Amanda Seyfried and Dominic Cooper) to join the two stars. It was a complete joke and offensive for Efron and Hudgens to be there. This is not the Kids Choice Awards or the Teen Choice Awards or whatever, this is the Oscars. Were they nominated for anything? How bout getting Meryl Streep to take the stage or Catherine Zeta Jones? These did not belong there in any shape or form. As a testament to their talent (or lack thereof), neither of the HSM kids added anything positive to the performance. That second musical number was one of the hottest messes I have ever witnessed. And don't even get me started on Miley Cyrus being there. Desperate for ratings much? I understand that the company needs ratings, but to have a flood of Disney stars on the red carpet is not the way to do it. Isn't getting Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and other popular stars with legitimate talent and recognition from the Oscars enough? These Disney stars belong nowhere near the Oscars.
On the plus side, I LOVED what they did with the presentation of the acting awards. Having five past winners of each category announcing the nominees and complimenting their performance showed all the viewers and the rest of the Academy why each nominee was special and deserving of a nomination. What was said to each nominee was heartfelt, authentic and was a really great addition to the show. And I loved the way that the presentation order for the awards mirrored the production schedule of a film, it was a fun and unique way to present those awards.
As for the winners, I couldn't have picked any better. Every single individual who won deserved recognition and when they stepped to the podium their speeches were touching, inspiring, refreshing and funny. (Speaking of funny, I loved Tina Fey and Steve Martin's banter during their segment). I cheered Penelope Cruz's win because she was so dynamic and believable in Vicky Cristina Barcelona and her speech was humble and gracious and paid respect to those who had helped her (particularly when she gave a shout-out to Pedro Almodovar). Other touching speeches included the much deserved win by Milk's Justin Lance Black for Best Original Screenplay and Sean Penn (who managed to be funny and humble, go figure). As much as I dislike Sean Penn, I feel that as an actor he really cares about the roles he plays and because of this becomes so part of their story that he begins to fight what the character (or person) would've fought for. If I ever were to become celebrity, I will use the power and the influence to make changes just like someone like Penn does. Wow, did I just say I want to be like Sean Penn? That just feels weird.
And Kate. Oh Kate. My love. Thank the Lord you have an Oscar now. You deserved it for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but both of the performances you gave this year were magnificent and vastly different. I am so proud that the Academy finally awarded her for her fierce and fearless perfomance. Her speech was unbelievably sweet, funny and touching and made me love her even more. I don't know what else to say other than that. I was so excited for her.
I was talking to my friend Scott about Reese Witherspoon's Oscar win for Walk the Line and wondered if, in a year like this, she would have had a chance in hell. The answer is NO. I don't even remember who was up that year, but to think that that performance won an Oscar before Kate Winslet did is pretty ridiculous.
And as much as I didn't want Slumdog to sweep before I saw the movie, after I saw it I thought it deserved to win in each category it was nominated in. What a breaktaking piece of film. I will never forget that movie and can't wait to see it again.
I give this years awards show a B+ with the winners getting an A.
Oh and Bill Maher, way to put a downer on the evening ya D-Bag.
The first musical number was actually pretty hysterical and I LOVED when Anne Hathaway came onstage and joined Hugh (and held her own vocally and charismatically). The second musical number however was a complete and utter mess. I fully support and love the idea that the musical is back, but I'm pretty sure the display at the Oscars killed it for another ten years. Hugh, joined by the divalicious Beyonce, was more than game for the erratic, schizophrenic display of musical numbers from the past century but that didn't save it. I knew the shit had hit the fan when Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron came out (joined by the more legitimately talented Amanda Seyfried and Dominic Cooper) to join the two stars. It was a complete joke and offensive for Efron and Hudgens to be there. This is not the Kids Choice Awards or the Teen Choice Awards or whatever, this is the Oscars. Were they nominated for anything? How bout getting Meryl Streep to take the stage or Catherine Zeta Jones? These did not belong there in any shape or form. As a testament to their talent (or lack thereof), neither of the HSM kids added anything positive to the performance. That second musical number was one of the hottest messes I have ever witnessed. And don't even get me started on Miley Cyrus being there. Desperate for ratings much? I understand that the company needs ratings, but to have a flood of Disney stars on the red carpet is not the way to do it. Isn't getting Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and other popular stars with legitimate talent and recognition from the Oscars enough? These Disney stars belong nowhere near the Oscars.
On the plus side, I LOVED what they did with the presentation of the acting awards. Having five past winners of each category announcing the nominees and complimenting their performance showed all the viewers and the rest of the Academy why each nominee was special and deserving of a nomination. What was said to each nominee was heartfelt, authentic and was a really great addition to the show. And I loved the way that the presentation order for the awards mirrored the production schedule of a film, it was a fun and unique way to present those awards.
As for the winners, I couldn't have picked any better. Every single individual who won deserved recognition and when they stepped to the podium their speeches were touching, inspiring, refreshing and funny. (Speaking of funny, I loved Tina Fey and Steve Martin's banter during their segment). I cheered Penelope Cruz's win because she was so dynamic and believable in Vicky Cristina Barcelona and her speech was humble and gracious and paid respect to those who had helped her (particularly when she gave a shout-out to Pedro Almodovar). Other touching speeches included the much deserved win by Milk's Justin Lance Black for Best Original Screenplay and Sean Penn (who managed to be funny and humble, go figure). As much as I dislike Sean Penn, I feel that as an actor he really cares about the roles he plays and because of this becomes so part of their story that he begins to fight what the character (or person) would've fought for. If I ever were to become celebrity, I will use the power and the influence to make changes just like someone like Penn does. Wow, did I just say I want to be like Sean Penn? That just feels weird.
And Kate. Oh Kate. My love. Thank the Lord you have an Oscar now. You deserved it for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but both of the performances you gave this year were magnificent and vastly different. I am so proud that the Academy finally awarded her for her fierce and fearless perfomance. Her speech was unbelievably sweet, funny and touching and made me love her even more. I don't know what else to say other than that. I was so excited for her.
I was talking to my friend Scott about Reese Witherspoon's Oscar win for Walk the Line and wondered if, in a year like this, she would have had a chance in hell. The answer is NO. I don't even remember who was up that year, but to think that that performance won an Oscar before Kate Winslet did is pretty ridiculous.
And as much as I didn't want Slumdog to sweep before I saw the movie, after I saw it I thought it deserved to win in each category it was nominated in. What a breaktaking piece of film. I will never forget that movie and can't wait to see it again.
I give this years awards show a B+ with the winners getting an A.
Oh and Bill Maher, way to put a downer on the evening ya D-Bag.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Should the Oscar really go to?
I'm one of those people who wait for awards season to come around and so I figured as my very first blog post, I'd give my opinions on the newly announced Oscar nominations (including snubs and my current picks which are bolded).
1. Best Picture: “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” “Frost/Nixon,” “Milk,” “The Reader,” “Slumdog Millionaire.“
SNUB(s): Both Wall-E and The Dark Knight were two of the most amazing, affecting movies I've seen all year. If Beauty and the Beast can be nominated for Best Picture, Wall-E should've been a given. And although The Reader was pretty well done, I don't know that it deserves a Best Picture nod.
WHO I WOULD LIKE TO WIN: Milk
PREDICTION: Slumdog is going to take it. It's taken everything up to this point and I'm pretty sure there's no stopping it now.
2. Actor: Richard Jenkins, “The Visitor”; Frank Langella, “Frost/Nixon”; Sean Penn, “Milk”; Brad Pitt, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”; Mickey Rourke, “The Wrestler.”
SNUB: None that I can really think of right now.
WHO I'D LIKE TO WIN: Sean Penn. I never thought I'd say this, but Penn's lovable and quirky performance as Harvey Milk is top-notch
PREDICTION: Either Mickey Rourke or Sean Penn; I think Rourke will get it because of his comeback performance.
3. Actress: Anne Hathaway, “Rachel Getting Married”; Angelina Jolie, “Changeling”; Melissa Leo, “Frozen River”; Meryl Streep, “Doubt”; Kate Winslet, “The Reader.”
SNUB: Sally Hawkins for Happy-Go-Lucky
WHO I'D LIKE TO WIN: Kate Winslet. She deserved it back during "Eternal Sunshine" and has proven herself again with both The Reader and Revolutionary Road.
PREDICTION: This is a hard one. Obviously Kate is way overdue but at the same time, I think that the way nominations came out and her being nominated for a film she had previously won Supporting Actress awards for, I think she might be out. Anne is my pick.
4. Supporting Actor: Josh Brolin, “Milk”; Robert Downey Jr., “Tropic Thunder”; Philip Seymour Hoffman, “Doubt”; Heath Ledger, “The Dark Knight”; Michael Shannon, “Revolutionary Road.”
SNUB (s): Emile Hirsch in Milk and Ralph Fiennes in The Reader
WHO I'D LIKE TO WIN: Ledger and Brolin (tie)
PREDICTION: Heath takes it in a really great year for supporting performances.
5. Supporting Actress: Amy Adams, “Doubt”; Penelope Cruz, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”; Viola Davis, “Doubt”; Taraji P. Henson, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”; Marisa Tomei, “The Wrestler.”
SNUB:
WHO I'D LIKE TO WIN: One of the ladies from Doubt.
PREDICTION: This one is so up the air for me. Who I'd like to win is Henson, but I'm not sure her performance is showy enough. I give it to Cruz.
I'll continue more later....
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